Amy Rees Anderson

Get Candy, Get Candy, Get Candy

Okay so I have to start today’s blog by taking a moment to recognize my favorite candy, Candy Corn, because for those of you who failed to remember, today was National Candy Corn Day!  How cool is it that my favorite candy has its very own holiday to recognize it!  Yes I love me some candy corn. Candy corn just makes life better. It’s that simple.

Next I want to wish all of you an amazing Halloween tomorrow!  Halloween is a big deal at our house. My husband begins decorating our yard for Halloween weeks in advance and each day he adds a little more to his amazing decorations.  He always does a theme each year and this years theme is a Halloween Dance Party!  He has skeletons and mummies, and goblins all out dancing on our lawn. He even has a skeleton DJ spinning records and a strobe ball.  There is a skeleton conga line and skeltons twerking….oh my…  I love watching the effort the puts into the yard each year and the neighbors all look forward to seeing the yard when he gets it all finished.

I hope all of you have an amazing day tomorrow.  Be safe and get LOTS OF CANDY!

In closing I wanted to share the words of my favorite Halloween Stand-up comedy routine by Jerry Seinfeld. This is by far the very best comedy routine about Halloween that has ever been done. It’s best if you can listen to him do it (you can watch it on youtube), but here is the script just in case you want to read it instead:

Candy was my whole life when I was a kid. That was…
First ten years of my life, I think the only clear thought I had
was: “GET CANDY!”
That was it. Family, friends, school, they were just obstacles in they way of the candy.
I’m out for the candy here. I’m just thinking: “Get candy! Get candy!”
That’s why you have to teach kids not to take candy from a stranger
if they’re playing in the playground, because they’re such candy idiot moron brains…
They’re just: “This man has candy, I’m going with him.”
“Goodbye. Whatever happens to me. Get candy, get candy…”
“Don’t go! They’ll torture you, they’ll kidnap you.”
“It doesn’t matter, he has an ‘Old Henry’. I have to take that chance.”
“Get candy, get candy…”
So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid
your brain can’t even process the information.
You’re like: “What is this? What did you say?”
“What did you say about giving out candy? Who’s giving out candy?”
“Everyone that we know is just giving out candy?”
“Are you kidding me? When is this happening? Where? Why? Take me with you!”
“I gotta be a part of this. I’ll do anything that they want.”
“I can wear that.”
“I’ll wear anything I have to wear.”
“I’ll do anything I’ll have to do to get the candy from those fools”
“that are so stupid they’re giving it away.”
So, the first couple of years I made my own costumes which of course sucked:
the ghost, the hobo…
Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents,
I’ve got the Superman Halloween costume, not surprisingly.
Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included.
Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask?
That was a quality item there, wasn’t it?
That was good about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
You go to your first house: “Trick or…” Snap! “It broke. I don’t believe it!”
“Wait up, you guys! I gotta fix it!”
“Hey, wait up! Wait up!”
That’s what kids say. They don’t say: “Wait!”
They say: “Wait up! Hey, wait up!”
‘Cause when you’re little, your life is up, the future is up,
everything you want is up.
“Wait up, hold up, shut up.”
“Mamma, clean up”, “Let me stay up.”
For parents, of course, everything is just the opposite.
Everything is down. “Just calm down”, “Slow down”, “Come down here”
“Sit down”, “Put that down”
So I had my little costume, I was physically ready,
I was preparing myself, I did not try on the costume prior to Halloween.
Do you remember… This is an obscure one but…
On the side of the box, I remember from my Superman costume, it actually said:
“Do not attempt to fly!”
They printed that as a warning
’cause kids would put it on and… going off the roofs.
I love the idea of the kid who’s stupid enough to think he actually is Superman
but smart enough to check that box before he goes off the roof.
“Let me see if it says anything about me being Superman…”
“Oh, wait a second here, I…”
So, anyway, but if my hopes were up I was thinking that this is probably
the same exact costume that Superman wears himself.
When you put these things on, it’s not exactly the super-fit
that you are hoping for.
It looks more like Superman’s pyjamas, that’s what it looks like.
It’s all kinda loose and flowing.
The neck line kinda comes down about there…
flimsy little ribbon string in the back.
Plus my mother makes me wear my winter coat over the costume anyway.
I don’t recall Superman wearing a jacket.
Not like I had: cheap corduroy, phony fur.
“Boy, I’m Superman but it’s a little chilly out
and I’m glad I have this cheap little 10 year old kids jacket.”
So I’m going out trick-or-treating but the mask’s rubber band keeps breaking
and keeps getting shorter. I’m fixing it, it’s getting tighter and tighter on my face.
You know, when it starts slicing into your eyeballs there and you…
you’re trying to breathe through that little hole…
getting all sweaty.
“I can’t see, I can’t breathe but we gotta keep going, we gotta get the candy.”
And a half an hour into it you just take the mask: “Oh, the heck with it.”
Bing-bong! “Yeah, it’s me, give me the candy.”
“Yeah, I’m Superman, look at the pants legs, what do you care?”
Looking at those last years of trick-or-treating you’re getting a little too old for it.
Still out there, going through the motions.
Bing-bong! “Come on lady, let’s go.”
“Halloween, doorbells, candy, let’s pick it up and…”
They come at the door… they always ask you the same stupid questions:
“What are you supposed to be?”
“I’m supposed to be done by now.”
“You wanna move it along the three musketeers.”
“I got 18 houses on this block, sweetheart.”
“Just hit the bag, we hit the road. That’s the way it works.”
Sometimes they have that little white bag twisted on the top…
You know that’s gonna be some crap candy.
Doesn’t have the official Halloween markings on it.
“Hold it, lady. Wait a second. What is this? The orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut?”
“Do me a favor, you keep that one.”
“We have all the doorstops we need already. Thank you.”
“We’re going for name candy only this year.”

Have fun and go get that name brand candy y’all!
~Amy

1 Comment

  • Delcia Crosby says:

    I’ve heard this one before. I believe you were the one who showed it to all the Laurels at an activity once. I still think it is super funny.

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