{"id":11841,"date":"2019-11-05T00:32:14","date_gmt":"2019-11-05T06:32:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/?p=11841"},"modified":"2019-11-05T00:39:28","modified_gmt":"2019-11-05T06:39:28","slug":"stop-defending-and-start-listening","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/stop-defending-and-start-listening\/","title":{"rendered":"Stop Defending And Start Listening"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

In yesterday\u2019s blog I shared points from a Forbes article I\u2019d written years ago on the importance of giving people honest feedback. Today I thought it would be good to share points from a follow-on article I\u2019d written for Forbes<\/a> on the importance of receiving feedback (The article was titled, If You Want To Improve, Stop Defending And Start Listening):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Knowing our weaknesses is the most important\nstep in overcoming them. So, why then do people get defensive the moment they\nreceive feedback that challenges or corrects them if that is the very thing\nneeded for them to improve?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\nhave all heard the term \u201cfight or flight\u201d in describing what happens to someone\nwhen feeling physically threatened. When a person\u2019s views, ideas, or behaviors\nare threatened, especially when they have put significant time, effort, or\nmoney into them, there is a similar response known as being \u201cdefensive\u201d.  Any suggestion whatsoever that conflicts with\ntheir idea or behavior can send a person into a defensive mode. The person\u2019s\nnervous system begins to overheat and their body becomes tense. In this state,\nthey are unable to take in new information as they become solely focused on\ndefending their position.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\nare many different defensive strategies used when a person is feeling\nchallenged, criticized, or corrected: They will deny, make excuses, challenge,\nrationalize, explain, justify, blame, avoid, withdraw, or go on the attack\n(just to name a few).  Given that learning\nand growth become impossible when a person is defensive, it\u2019s imperative to\ntake steps to avoid having defensiveness be our response. Here are a few ideas\non how to avoid it: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

*The most important element in avoiding it is to\nlisten. Our ability to form healthy relationships with others in business,\nwhether it be coworkers, advisors, board members, leaders, employees, managers,\nclients, etc, is a direct result of our ability to listen well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*Sometimes\nwhen hearing feedback, we must force ourselves to take a deep breath, or, if\nnecessary, ask to be excused for a moment so you might step away and regain our\ncomposure. Then we can return with a clear head, ready to actively listen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*It is important to note that when we are\nfeeling tired or stressed out we can react defensively without meaning to, so\nit\u2019s important to stay self-aware of how our emotions may be influencing our\nreactions during these times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*Be\ncareful not to expect everyone to see things exactly the same way you do. One\nof the best things about diversity of thought is that it helps us to view\nthings from different perspectives, so welcome the opportunity to expand your\nhorizons. If, while receiving feedback, you are feeling attacked, feel\ncomfortable to express you are feeling that way in a calm and respectful tone.\nIt may very well be that the other person isn\u2019t even aware that their tone is\ncausing you to feel threatened, and your expressing your feelings might help\nthem be more sensitive with their approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*Ask\nthe other person for specific examples, not in an accusatory way, but in a way\nto show that you have a genuine desire to better understand their point of view\nby seeking examples that will help illustrate the problem more clearly for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*Be\nquick to apologize when you should. Doing so shows a tremendous amount of maturity\nand respect for the other person. It shows that you are willing to be\naccountable for your behavior and it demonstrates that you can be trusted to\ntake responsibility for your actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*Stay\non topic. Don\u2019t use the conversation as a way to start bringing up your own\ngrievances that are unrelated to the current discussion \u2013 that is a destructive\ntactic that only manipulates you into believing that you are superior to the\nother person and therefore don\u2019t need to listen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*After\nhearing the other person out with an open mind, if you are still struggling\nwith their point of view, simply thank them for sharing their views with you\nand let them know that you genuinely want to take time to ponder what they have\nsaid, stating that you will come back to them after you have given it more\nthought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember that truly confident people are able to listen respectfully to other perspectives, then genuinely consider and evaluate if there is truth in what others are saying. They are able to do all of this without feeling that other perspectives are in any way diminishing their own. So don’t deny yourself the opportunity to improve…. When someone is willing to take the time to give you constructive feedback – listen. \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

~Amy Rees Anderson (author of the book \u201cWhat Awesome Looks Like: How To Excel in Business & Life<\/a>\u201d ) <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In yesterday\u2019s blog I shared points from a Forbes article I\u2019d written years ago on the importance of giving people honest feedback. Today I thought it would be good to share points from a follow-on article I\u2019d written for Forbes on the importance of receiving feedback (The article was titled, If You Want To Improve, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":11844,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[839,395,838,3430,890,3432,970,3435,224,1516,3419,3417,3437,3438,2050,3427,575,3389,2443,151,3428,603,3436,18,1477,3424,378,1661,3431,535,3421,3420,3423,3418,3429,1124,27,519,2836,3422,3426,893,336,885,3388,3433],"class_list":["post-11841","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-acknowledge","tag-amy-rees-anderson","tag-apologize","tag-attack-explain","tag-avoid","tag-blame","tag-challenge","tag-champions","tag-confidence","tag-confident","tag-constructive","tag-criticism","tag-defense","tag-defense-mode","tag-defensive","tag-deny","tag-desire","tag-destructive","tag-diversity","tag-example","tag-excuse","tag-feedback","tag-fight-or-flight","tag-forbes","tag-grow","tag-illustrate","tag-improve","tag-improvement","tag-justify","tag-listen","tag-listening","tag-perspectives","tag-point-of-view","tag-ponder","tag-rationalize","tag-self-aware","tag-self-confidence","tag-self-esteem","tag-sensitive","tag-specific","tag-superior","tag-tone","tag-truth","tag-understand","tag-weakness","tag-withdraw"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11841","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11841"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11841\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11845,"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11841\/revisions\/11845"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11844"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11841"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11841"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.amyreesanderson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11841"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}