Amy Rees Anderson

Nursing a Hole in My Heart

Today was brutal. Today I moved my baby girl down to her college dorm and tonight is the first night of her being gone from home.  Even though I will get to go see her tomorrow for the Orientation meetings on campus, it doesn’t change the fact that after today things will never quite be the same again, and that breaks my heart…

It is the end of this era of life and nothing I do will change that.  No amount of crying is going to bring those growing up years back again.  My time of raising my babies in my home has come to an end and I am going to have to face that and find a way to deal with it, and that scares me to death.

For 21 years the core of my identity has been being “mom” to my two kids.  My every waking thought has been on them, my every day has centered around thoughts of them and what they need and what I can do to help them and how I can protect them and keep them safe.  I don’t know how, after 21 years to simply say “my job is done”.  This morning it was my job to be mom first, and tonight my job changes to friend and support first and mom second.  And knowing that rips my heart out…it really does…so tonight I am going to allow the tears to continue flowing because I earned those tears the last 21 years and I figure I am entitled to them.  But after I allow myself to fall apart crying tonight, I also know that I need to commit to myself to wake up tomorrow smiling and okay again.

It is critical that I genuinely commit to be okay again tomorrow because like every other day before, the sun is going to rise tomorrow and life is going to go on and I can either curl up in a little ball and cry it away or I can wake up with a smile and embrace that there is still life to live and there is still much to accomplish in life.  Sure it is going to be hard because there will be this constant hole in my heart that aches to have my babies home with me…I wouldn’t be a true mother if I didn’t have that hole in my heart when they are gone…but that hole can’t stop me from accepting that there is a time for every season and purpose under heaven and the season for my purpose to be raising my kids has now come to its end and God has a new season with a new purpose that I need to discover still ahead of me and I can’t do that if I am curled up in the fetal position in my bedroom crying.  So tomorrow I am determined to be okay again and look forward to the future with anticipation and hope.

But tonight…well tonight belongs to nursing that hole in this mothers heart…I love you baby girl and I am going to miss you with every fiber of my being.  You are my sweet baby and no matter how old you are and how far away you move that won’t change that you are mine and you can always come home to snuggle with me anytime you need to.  Love always, Mom.

~Amy

3 Comments

  • Leslie says:

    Have to tell you–that hole in the heart when you little ones become independent adults never really entirely goes away. You know you raised them to become independent people, and you want them to be. But the little boy or girl you birthed and cuddled and played with and read to and watched over and worried over and bandaged and laughed with and cried with and were so proud of and sometimes agonized over continues to live in your heart forever. Thank goodness. And you can come to snuggle with me anytime you need to. There’s really nothing I’d like more than for all my “little ones” to do just that.

  • kim says:

    Love you my sister. I know that heavy heart feeling. I believe that realizing time is so under valued in this life helps me put things into perspective. Every day here and in the presence of my kids and the ones I love so much is priceless…..
    1. Backpack. $25.0
    1. Superman shirt …while silly he insisted ..25.00.
    10 min sitting in the car laughing as he insists Seniors should not be dropped off at the bus stop by Mom…but getting a hug goodbye…for his last year now a Senior…..YES…..Forever and Eternity…..Priceless.xxxxooooo.

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